I have a very tough time letting things go. Ask my editor, who knows I spend days revising an article before I turn it in. Ask my boyfriend, who gets emails with my article drafts labeled “final” at least once. Twice. Three times. Ask my mom, my shopping buddy, who sees me turn every which way in the mirror to ensure the best fit. Or, ask WordPress (if it could talk, of course), who’d tell you that I spend way too long re-reading my posts and pages only to change one word (which I may be doing right now). Even emailing an expert for an article takes an embarrassingly long time, as I sweat over every syllable, reading the email several times before pressing send.
It’s all too easy for me to find a slew of things to nit-pick about (and obsess over later).
But though I’m persnickety about writing projects and clothing, I’m not particularly neat. I’m not very organized (though I get giddy in the office supplies section of any store). I’m absolutely OK with a few wrinkles in my clothes. And I can let the laundry pile up for weeks. But I can’t allow the right word to get away!
Still, whether you’re a perfectionist in all aspects of your life or just one or two, it’s likely that your perfectionism becomes paralyzing and prevents you from actually pursuing, starting and completing projects. Maybe you get so focused on creating a literary masterpiece, having the cleanest house in America, cooking the best meal or adopting a healthier lifestyle, that you feel the oh-so heavy weight of high expectations, get overwhelmed and can’t even start. Perhaps you’re bursting with ideas, scribbled on half-used napkins, post-it notes or credit card envelopes, but those important ideas remain scraps of paper in a hidden pile. It isn’t that you’re too busy. Or too lazy to turn ideas into actions.
What if you’re not good enough?
The Perils of Perfectionism
In her post on the downsides of perfectionism, life coach, Celestine Chua, notes that perfectionists, not surprisingly, end up suffering from lower productivity. You’re so busy focused on minute details that you end up being much less efficient. Yes, 20 percent of your work may be utter perfection, but when are you planning on getting that 80 percent done?
When you’re so focused on the itty-bitty, nitty-gritty of everything, you’re likely to miss the bigger picture, she also notes. This makes me think of brides who obsess over having the perfect wedding. They spend hours stressing over the right accent color for their napkins or working toward a flawless figure – forgetting about having fun, and more importantly, that they’re marrying the love of their lives. Their wedding goes from a beautiful day to a series of stressful moments. By the time the day arrives, they’re exhausted and upset, looking forward to the minute it’s all over (I know, because I watch Bridezillas regularly). Their perfectionism serves to sabotage an otherwise “perfect” day.
Overcoming Your Perfectionism
Here’s how I’ve managed to rein in my perfectionism (clearly it’s an ongoing process) along with some expert advice.
1. Consider your motives. This is a good place to start before trying to overcome your perfectionism. Are you internally motivated or do your stickler standards originate from others? Are you a perfectionist because you genuinely believe in flawless work or because you’re insecure? Are you a perfectionist because you want to please others? Why is being a perfectionist so important to you? Once you realize where your perfectionism comes from and what you’d like to accomplish by being a perfectionist, you can set new goals for yourself; goals that are more reasonable and leave you happier, less stressed and more productive.
2. Build thick skin. Totally easier said than done. I know, because I tend to be sensitive. But being sensitive doesn’t let in good change or growth. Try to think of criticism as purely constructive. For the most part, your boss, colleague, relative or friend is telling you something because they want you to succeed or be happier. Typically, other individuals have a more objective perspective, or see things in a different light, which can be very helpful to you. Seeing things from a different perspective may help you better understand yourself and overcome your perfectionistic ways.
3. Banish black and white thinking. If your house isn’t completely clutter-free or you missed your workout, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed at life or that you should throw in the towel, abandoning your goals altogether. I write a lot about how women’s magazines set up unrealistic standards, especially when it comes to appearance: avoid having dessert; count every single calorie; work out five days a week, unless you want to see flab creeping up. This can easily lead you down a damaging path to perfectionism. You start to adopt an all-or-nothing attitude. Either you bust your butt in the gym every day or you sit home and chow down on countless cookies. You’re either the image of physical perfection or a fat failure.
You’re not a robot, and life is sketched with shades of gray. Easing up on your perfectionism doesn’t mean sacrificing your high-achieving standards; it means opening up yourself to grow, learn something new and enjoy the process. Maybe you missed a workout or let the laundry pile up, but you got in extra time with your family, read an inspiring book, did some soul-searching or were simply kind to yourself.
4. Know when to shut it off. Having perfectionistic tendencies can have a plus side. You may turn in polished projects at work, you can easily find important documents, you’re always on time and you feel accomplished. So you don’t have to plunge your perfectionism into the abyss, but it helps to learn when to turn it off. Try to find balance. We know that for almost anything – moderation is a great motto (i.e., eating, exercise, work). You can use your perfectionistic ways to your advantage; you just have to learn the fine line between healthy habits (i.e., turning in polished work) and unhealthy obsession (i.e., spending way too long crafting the perfect email – I’m working on it!).
To start, you might set a time limit on your project, and stop as soon as the alarm rings. For me, letting projects go is painfully hard. I can literally edit my work for hours. Since I’m not writing a novel, that’s a big problem. So I have to be watchful of the clock. Also, try paying attention to how your perfectionism affects you and others. Watch yourself for signs when the fine line is getting blurry. Record your warning signs and, next time, channel your ambition into trying to avoid that slippery slope.
5. Fail more often. This is a great tip from full-time freelance writer Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Though her post focuses on writing, it really applies to all facets of life. You can enjoy the entire post here.
Try to fail more often! “One of my wishes for my students is that they should fail more often,” writes Ben-Shahar. “If they fail frequently, it means that they try frequently, that they put themselves on the line and challenge themselves.” To overcome perfectionism, keep reminding yourself that the most successful writers in history are the ones who failed the most. Your book, query, or proposal may not be perfect – but it exists. It may not get published – but you sent it out there.
6. See mistakes as learning opportunities. Author and coach, Curt Rosengren, talks about using mistakes to propel you to success. He quotes the authors from the book, Self Esteem, who discuss seeing “mistakes as invaluable teachers”:
Mistakes are a function of growth and changing awareness. They are an absolute prerequisite for any learning process…
There is no way you can learn any task or skill without errors. This process is called successive approximation: getting closer and closer to successful performance through feedback provided by mistakes. Every error tells you what you need to correct, every error brings you incrementally nearer to the behavioral sequence that works best for completion of the task…
…Mistakes are information about what works and what doesn’t. They have nothing to do with your worth or intelligence. They are merely steps to a goal.
Then Rosengren writes:
Next time you are tempted to beat up on yourself for a mistake you made, reframe it. Ask yourself, “How has this moved me closer to my goal? What have I learned here? Where is the insight this mistake is offering?”
Follow that up with, “Now how can I apply that insight?” Your goal is to use your mistakes as a catalyst for forward motion, rather than a roadblock that shuts you down cold.
A Few Inspirational Quotes
Great words from great thinkers (who also were and are great doers!):
“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.” – Anne Lamott
“Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” – Robert Schuller
“A man would do nothing if he waited until he could do it so well that no one could find fault.” – John Henry Newman
“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali
“You see, when weaving a blanket, an Indian woman leaves a flaw in the weaving of that blanket to let the soul out.” – Martha Graham
“To escape criticism – do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.” – Elbert Hubbard
Whether you choose to take baby steps or big leaps when trying to overcome your perfectionism, remember that like anything, it’s a process. Making real changes takes time, and along the way, you’re continuously learning.
What works for you in your quest to overcome perfectionism?
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