I’m a bottler. And I don’t mean that like it’s defined by the Dictionary.
I’m a bottler, because I bottle up my feelings.
On my body image blog, Weightless, I’ve written about feeling feelings: Many times, overeating, dieting, fasting and focusing on our bodies can become ways we soothe – or distract – ourselves, because we can’t feel our feelings. We’d rather not because it hurts too much.
My father passed away last summer, and sometimes I feel like a robot, or I guess, more accurately, a bottler. I haven’t really let myself get too upset. I’m afraid that if I do, the true magnitude of the situation, of losing my father, would be too devastating, too great.
If I open up the gates to my pain, I may never be able to close them.
But we know that being a bottler can be unhealthy and exhausting. And feelings are important in many ways (survival, growth, connection).
And you have to face them eventually.
The Freedom of Feelings
For some advice on actually experiencing our emotions and feeling our feelings, I turned to Gail Brenner, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist who blogs at A Flourishing Life, a thoughtful and insightful blog. In an interview on Weightless, she said:
Unhealthy habits stem from our desire to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Just imagine if all our difficult emotions, our woundedness, our sense of lack were invited into the light of our conscious awareness in the most tender and loving way. And imagine that each time we feel these challenging parts of ourselves, we bathe them in kindness and compassion. There would be nothing to avoid, no need for compulsive behaviors that distract us from these inner experiences.
This is the possibility for all of us: to know ourselves so fully that we are conscious, alive, present in every moment. The willingness to be aware of the totality of our inner world is the end of self-sabotaging behavior. It is simply not needed anymore and falls away.
Deciding to open to our feelings, no matter how frightening or painful, is casting a huge vote for our peace and happiness. We are no longer ruled by well-worn, frustrating patterns and inner conflict; we are free to enjoy ourselves and welcome creativity and fulfillment into our lives.
How to embrace feelings? Experience them directly. Make the choice to bring your kind attention inside to befriend those scared and hurt places that are hiding inside of you.
What we call a feeling consists of thoughts and sensations in the body. As you let go of the stories you tell yourself about the feelings, you can investigate the exact nature of the feelings themselves. Allow the physical sensations to be experienced completely until they are released, even if they are very strong. Repeat this exercise as often as the feelings arise, a million times if necessary, until they are so drenched in love and awareness that they surrender their hold on you.
{For our entire interview on Weightless, see here.}
I do like the idea of experiencing your emotions because it brings freedom and peace. When we don’t feel our feelings, we may remain in a regular state of turmoil or tension. When we face our feelings, we’re calmer, and we can move on. There isn’t the worry of bursting at the seams at some random time. But it’s a process, like working on anything else in life.
For instance, if you’re an equal opportunity bottler – meaning you bottle up most, if not all, your feelings – you might want to start small and slow. Start off with a relatively innocuous emotion, like being annoyed, and feel that. If you feel frustrated, feel that. It doesn’t matter how small the feeling, see how it feels to experience it. See what it feels like not to bottle up your emotion. You might not be able to tackle the bigger, deeper emotions (like grief) just yet, but you’ll get there.
Additional Resources
If you’d like to learn more concrete ways of managing your emotions, these sources offer excellent tips:
- Helpguide: Emotional Awareness
- Zen Habits: How to ‘Let It Be’ When You’re Upset
Do you have a tough time feeling your feelings? How do you work through your emotions, even when the pain is palpable?
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